In the last few weeks of my father’s life, my stepsister Sandra held the phone near his ear when one of us called. He lay in a bed set up in the living room, slipping in and out of consciousness. We’d given up on FaceTime; he could no longer see us. But perhaps he could hear my voice. You never know.
That day, perhaps two weeks before he died—I don’t remember—I felt desperate. I was frenzied in my wish to connect, to penetrate the veil, to make him hear me. But I had nothing to say other than I love you, you were a good father. He’d heard it all before.
So I sang. First, Summertime, from Porgy and Bess, my voice catching and scratching like an old record. Then, I pushed on with the next song that entered my head: Mac the Knife. I scrambled around the world wide web until I found the lyrics. Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear / And it shows them pearly white. Somehow, I thought he’d remember that song, but I don’t really know the melody beyond the first two lines. I faked it, trying too hard, straining, improvising, hoping. Hoping for what? For his sweet voice to say, “Madeline, that was wonderful”? Nothing.
So, then, a poem. I’ll read a poem. Robert Frost is a good safe bet.
I wanted to find Nothing Gold can Stay, a poem about impermanence. But my memory failed me. I couldn’t recall the title, so I accepted instead the first poem that popped up when I searched for Frost: Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. I pressed on, putting as much feeling into my voice as I could, wishing I’d chosen a more dramatic poem, a poem I could really emote. Instead, just the simplicity of an Alex Colville painting. A man and his horse on the darkest evening of the year, stopping.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
When I finished the last lines, my stepsister’s voice entered. She’d been there all along, holding the phone. She said kindly that she could listen to me all day, my voice was lovely. But Dad was asleep; he’d been asleep the whole time. She thought perhaps he could still hear me. Did he move an eyebrow?
But really, I know she didn’t have the heart to interrupt me. We said good-bye. A week later, I used the voice memo app on my iPhone to record myself singing “Blackbird” by the Beatles, Dad’s favourite song, and I texted it to Sandra, with a note, can I talk to Dad on Wednesday? But Tuesday was his last day here.
A frantic energy inhabited me during those final one-sided calls. Helpless, I worked overtime to get through, to make a mark. Hey you, this is your daughter. Papa! You there? Remember me? Your youngest daughter? Remember how you and I used to joke about you being King Lear, and I was your Cordelia? Sir, do you know me? Surely you do. Just give me a sign.
Father In this wine-dark place a tiny voice a whisper: hush, little baby, don’t you cry From long ago from far away a thread of red travels along my bloodline when that shark bites with his teeth, babe scarlet billows start to spread and meets a tributary. I know your voice. You are mine. I want you close daughter, but this trip is made alone. The woods in here are dark and deep I want to sleep, dear, but a worry burns: Tell me, do I have promises still to keep? No, I hear you say, no more promises to keep. Spread your wings, I hear you whisper Take to the sky papa, Take to the red-blood sky.
Oh, Madeline, I write this holding back the tears, so moving. You are remarkable in your capacity to express emotions so beautifully. Growing up our feelings were never discussed and rarely shown. Our mother never really got over her divorce, it was a constant, personal struggle. This in turn repressed the otherwise openness about our feelings. Ken, with the lingering impact of those traumatic first years with our father, played a role that was to cost him many hours of therapy. I still don’t have the capacity to freely express my emotions.
So you can see, against this backdrop of inhibitions, how deeply impressed I am with your ability to do so. Though I saw him often through visits back and forth, I never took advantage of our meetings to open up. Yet I feel sure from your writing that Ken found a way to share emotions with you and your sisters. I hope so. I loved him too, and only regret that we lived apart. Thank you.
Doug, thank you for your kind words. Yes, Dad and I were able to share our feelings some of the time. I often felt very close to him, and I miss him so much. Writing about him is part of my grieving process.
I hope you can come to the memorial August 8 in Toronto, if travel is possible.
Much love to you. xoxo Madeline
beautiful story. beautiful poem. two big losses in such a short time. your father sounds like a complex, many faceted man, with whom you were close. honoured to know some of his story. sorry for your loss.
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Thank you Arnie, for your kind comments and condolences. See you soon.